One of my greatest passions in my work is supporting couples in navigating the difficult challenges that arise in relationships. It is built into our human nature to want to connect with others. We are social creatures and thrive off social interactions. We also crave being paired off, and having the support of a mate. Thousands of years ago this was not only for our social/emotional needs, but it was important for everyday survival. Today that isn’t so much the case anymore. People can certainly survive on their own, the question is – are they happiest in that environment?
For some people the answer to that question is yes. They have social interactions in the ways that work best for them, and this is more than enough to keep them feeling connected and well. For many of us though it isn’t, and we crave the attention, support, love, and benefits that come from being in a committed relationship. Although we crave this type of one to one connection, being in a relationship is not always easy. It can be pretty challenging trying to share space, values, create future plans, navigate differences, figure out what’s for dinner every night, parent, etc. etc. etc – the list is pretty long.
There is good news though! Thankfully we have many brilliant minds who have spent their lives dedicated to this area of research – understanding intimate relationships and the best ways to navigate them. In my work I have a few favourites that guide me; Drs. John and Julie Gottman and The Gottman Institute, Brene Brene, and Dr. Sue Johnson. Today I will be focusing on some of the basics from these folks that have truly shaped my own relationship and how I support other couples.
When I start working with couples one of the areas I like to start with is communication. When we are struggling emotionally, if we aren’t careful, we can use communication as a hurtful weapon instead of a means for connection and growth. Arguing in a relationship is quite healthy if done right! When we argue we typically are trying to navigate a difference in the relationship, and this is important work! We need to communicate our way through differences in order to fully understand each other and live a happy harmonious life together. When we burry thoughts and feelings instead of work them out, we end up building resentment towards our partner which fuels disconnection.
Dr. John and Julie Gottman developed a theory called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This theory has helped us understand the communication patterns that will lead to the end of a relationship. Their research has proven that these behaviours predict divorce with a 93% accuracy rate. They are:
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling
Let’s take a deeper look at these four.
Criticism is different than providing feedback. Criticism is fueled by a strong desire to prove our “rightness” in a situation. When we criticize, we are attacking the other person’s character. Brene Brown is quoted describing it as “a coping mechanism used by people who feel unworthy. It’s purpose is to shift the spotlight off of oneself and onto someone or something else in an effort to feel safe.” When someone is being critical it can sound like; “You are so selfish, you never think of me!”, “You’re an awful parent, no wonder they never listen to you!”, and “Wow, you’re lazy, you never even pick up the vacuum!”. Not surprisingly, criticism fuels disconnection. A healthy alternative is “I feel” statements; “I feel alone when I am the only parent who has to discipline our children.” When we enter a conversation by owning our experience, and taking responsibility for what we can, we create a safe and secure space to have a productive conversation. I encourage you to be careful with the use of the words “why” and “you”. When we start statements with these two, they often sound critical and leave our partner feeling defensive.
What do we need to know about Contempt?
Contempt is just straight up being mean. It is fueled by a desire to not only prove our rightness, but prove our moral superiority over our partners. The Gottman Institute describes how we show up to our partners when in this communication pattern; “we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.” No wonder this is a detriment to our relationships!
It is so important to care about how our partner feels as much as we care about how we feel!!!
Defensiveness and criticism go hand in hand as I hinted at earlier. When we are criticized, we head to defensiveness pretty quick. Because the origin of criticism is a desire to prove our rightness, when we experience it, we immediately jump to trying to defend how we are not wrong. Defensiveness fuels disconnection because when we are in it, we avoid accountability which is an essential element to trusting relationships. Defensiveness sounds like; “You are always on my case! I wouldn’t have had to do that if it wasn’t for you being late all the time!”. When one or both partners become defensive in an argument it is highly likely the discussion will end up going no where.
Stonewalling is a common response to contempt. When someone experiences cruelty it makes sense that they would withdraw from the person who cause them pain. Sometimes stonewalling looks like pretending to be busy, ignoring, tuning out what the other is saying, or physically walking away from the situation without coming back. This horseman is often the final straw. Once the first three become too painful to contend with, stonewalling becomes the bad habit that makes sense. Taking a step back from an argument that has become hostile is actually a helpful idea, but it’s important that we do something productive to release our tension and return to the discussion to find a resolution. Consider going for a walk, reading a book, or listening to music for 15-20 minutes, then return to the conversation.
Found this helpful? Share with a friend!
Resources:
Brene Brown's - The Braving Inventory
Comments